A Parent’s Guide to Healthy Competition

Parker Huston, PhD

Teaching Children a Healthy Competitive Mindset

Competition is part of life. Whether it’s a school spelling bee, a soccer game, or simply comparing test scores, children inevitably encounter situations where they are measured against others. As parents, teachers, or coaches, our job isn’t to shield kids from competition—it’s to help them develop a healthy mindset about it. A balanced approach to competition can teach valuable lessons in resilience, sportsmanship, and self-improvement.

Teaching Children a Healthy Competitive Mindset

Competition is part of life. Whether it’s a school spelling bee, a soccer game, or simply comparing test scores, children inevitably encounter situations where they are measured against others. As parents, teachers, or coaches, our job isn’t to shield kids from competition—it’s to help them develop a healthy mindset about it. A balanced approach to competition can teach valuable lessons in resilience, sportsmanship, and self-improvement.

1. Redefining “Winning”

For many kids, “winning” means being the best and getting the top prize. While striving to win can be motivating, it can also lead to anxiety or disappointment if results don’t go their way. We can broaden their definition of winning to include personal growth—running faster than they did last week, solving a problem they couldn’t before, or trying their hardest even if the outcome isn’t first place.

When kids understand that success is measured not only by results but also by effort, improvement, and learning, they’re more likely to stay engaged and motivated, even in the face of setbacks.

2. Teaching Respect for Others

Healthy competition goes hand-in-hand with good sportsmanship. This means celebrating other people’s successes and showing respect for opponents. Children should learn that their competitors are not enemies—they’re partners in helping each other grow. Without other competitors, the challenge (and therefore the opportunity to improve) wouldn’t exist.

Modeling respectful behavior is key. Shake hands after games, congratulate others sincerely, and avoid negative talk about “beating” others. Children are quick to pick up on the attitudes of the adults around them.

3. Emphasizing Effort Over Outcome

One of the most important shifts in a child’s mindset comes when they focus on what they can control—their effort, preparation, and attitude—rather than fixating on what they can’t, like the skill level of their opponent or a referee’s call.

Praising children for effort (“I’m proud of how hard you practiced”) rather than just for results (“You won!” or “You got an A!”) reinforces the idea that they have the power to influence their own growth. This mindset also makes losing less devastating, since they can still feel proud of their hard work. Even when they do find success, focusing on how they were successful, through determination, teamwork, perseverance, etc., sends a helpful message.

4. Helping Kids Process Losing

Loss is inevitable in competition, and learning to handle it well is a life skill. Instead of rushing to comfort a child with “It doesn’t matter,” we can acknowledge their feelings (“I can see you’re disappointed”) and then help them reflect on what they learned and what they can try next time.

This approach turns losing from a source of shame into a stepping stone for improvement. Over time, children can see losses not as proof they’re “not good enough” but as opportunities to build skills, resilience, and determination.

5. Balancing Competition and Collaboration

While competition has benefits, it’s equally important to create spaces where kids work together toward a shared goal. Team projects, cooperative games, and group problem-solving activities teach that success can also come from collaboration—not just individual performance.

Final Thought:
Teaching a healthy competitive mindset isn’t about removing the desire to win or be successful—it’s about guiding children to see competition as a tool for self-improvement, respect, and resilience. When kids understand that their value isn’t determined by a scoreboard or grade card, they can step into any challenge with confidence, kindness, and a love for the process of growing.

If your child or teen is having trouble keeping a healthy mindset about their sport, please reach out. We can help them, and your family, find balance.